My quiet time is happening rather late in the day, but I'm so very thankful for it whenever it happens.
Last night I was blessed to spend time with all 5 of my children to celebrate Peter's 14th birthday! My oldest drove down to spend the evening with us. It was so nice to have all my chicks under one roof again.
Unfortunately, it also made me realize that I gave that up when we moved here. Taking this job required us to be here, and his job and classes required him to stay there. It was one of the most difficult parts of my decision. Although, he is turning 21 this year so I imagine it didn't impact him nearly as much as it impacted me.
The time went by so quickly and this morning when we parted to head to our different jobs—mine 15 minutes away and his 1 ½ hours away (I definitely had the better commute this morning)—a little bit of my heart broke. It is hard being a momma.
I love my children so much. Sometimes I'm just shocked at how much and how deeply I love them.
And I desperately want to make decisions that bless them, encourage them, build them up and show how much I love them.
Sometimes I worry my decisions do none of those things. I wonder if I make good decisions ... I just feel like I'm always spinning.
This morning was one of those mornings where all I could think was, "Did I make the best decision for my family?"
I hate when I start second-guessing. I'm so blasted good at it though. I can second-third-fourth-fifth-sixth guess with no problem at all ... it's so easy for me.
So this morning I had to pray and remind myself AGAIN that this was a good decision. I listed the good things AGAIN to myself. I thanked God for the blessings AGAIN.
And I did start to feel better.
I just wonder if in this world any decision is going to feel like a slam dunk?
It is kind of funny (not ha-ha funny) but one of the times I felt absolutely sure I was following God's will was when I married my ex-husband. I'm not sure how to feel about that ...
I believe part of the second-guessing I hear so many single parents or divorced people share is because one of our very biggest decisions (if not the biggest) didn't end well. There's nothing like that to destroy any confidence in the ability to make decision.
Decision-making brings out all my "spaghetti-girl" issues. Everything affects and impacts everything. When I feel badly about one thing it oozes over into other areas and then it makes me feel badly about everything. When I feel sad it spills all over everything. When I'm worried, I'm worried about everything.
It is exhausting being Spaghetti Girl!
I don't believe God called me to be like this ... I am a girl so that part has to stay, and there are certain things about being a girl that lend themselves to feeling a lot like spaghetti. BUT I don't want to be all goofy.
I want to trust again ... trust myself to make wise decisions because I have God and trust God that He will lead me to make right decisions.
I want to be a woman who loves the Lord not just with all my heart, but with all my mind. I believe the theme of my week of Bible study continues to be taking my thoughts captive. God keeps bringing me back to getting my thoughts straight. It is so easy to get overwhelmed and feel hopeless, but this verse reminds me from where my relief comes:
"If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, 'My foot slips,' your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul ... the LORD has become my stronghold, and my God the rock of my refuge." Psalm 94:17-19, 22
I looked up "consolations"; it wasn't a word I was very familiar with. It means "comforts."
God's comforts cheer my soul. I don't think I reap the benefits of having my soul cheered if I don't recognize God's comforts in my life.
What are the comforts in my life?
Friends—dear, dear friends
Within those are so many other comforts ... how can simply stating the name Jesus adequately communicate the multitude of comforts I experience because I know Him?
His Word ... I want to write verse after verse after verse ... all my favorites.
My children ... such sweet blessings
My friends ... those who stay with me even in my worst Spaghetti days especially!
My family ... who love me and help me in so many ways
Do you remember how often God told the Israelites to be sure to remember what He had done for them?
My favorite is Deuteronomy 6:4-9
"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."
Put God's words on your heart.
Teach them diligently to your children.
Talk about them all the time and everywhere.
Talk about them from the start of the day to the end of it.
Keep them in all that you do, think, see and say!
Keep them in your home at all times!
A good list. A plan to keep the comforts and blessings of God ever with us and before us and around us.
Kind of like that thankful list I make ... which I haven't done in a while.
Maybe if I focused more on the blessings (WHEN will I learn this lesson?) the decisions and second-guessing wouldn't be such an issue. I could see that things truly are in God's hands. I could see that God works everything, even all my decisions, for His good and my good!
I can trust God with my decisions and even my second-guessing. I can trust Him with everything. Maybe if I say that (write that) enough it will really stick and I will start acting like I KNOW it because I do know it!
Sue Birdseye is an author and single mom of five kids who range from 4- to 17-years-old. This is adapted from her blog, uptomytoes.com.
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