I knew I would not be able to show someone else how to empty the suction machine if I was there and could just do it real quick. I also knew that if my sisters (who are my very dearest friends) were in my house, I would spend all my time talking to them and zero time on the processing I knew I really needed. For several weeks my dearest dream had been to get a hotel room and sleep and think and cry and be. But I was worried.
I worried about how Steve would feel when I told him I was leaving just to leave. I worried it would look like I was running and, candidly, I care more about what the watching world thinks than I should. I'd love you to think I'm awesome and strong and I would have kept this whole little thing a secret, except for one thing: the other caregiving spouses out there who are breaking beneath the weight of their load. Many of them read this blog and I cannot afford to show them a painted-on, propped-up version of myself. If I pretend that I don't need help, they will feel guilty and weak when they do. And they do. We all do.
So, that's the backdrop for what would become one of the most wonderful 18 hours ever. Since I'm already over 1,000 words, I'll save the trip recap for tomorrow, but check back in because it's very cool. And also? I'm writing this post at the breakfast table from my favorite lodge in this whole world and I just wanted to flaunt that information for a second. In two minutes, I will pay my bill, get in my car and drive back to my life and the man I love more than any human on this planet. And I cannot wait to see that wonderful guy.
Bo Stern is a blogger and author of Beautiful Battlefields and Ruthless: Knowing the God Who Fights For You. She knows the most beautiful things can come out of the hardest times. Her Goliath came in the form of her husband's terminal illness, a battle they are still fighting with the help of their four children, a veritable army of friends, and our extraordinary God. Bo is a teaching pastor at Westside Church in Bend, Oregon.
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