How to Love and Forgive When You Have Been Wounded in a Relationship

It's hard to forgive when you've been wounded, but Jesus' love can make it so much easier for you.
It's hard to forgive when you've been wounded, but Jesus' love can make it so much easier for you. (iStock photo )

As I minister among the body of Christ, I am finding an increase in the revelation that people don't trust other people.

There has been so much hurt in the past through relationships and family dissension that people don't know how to trust the new people God is putting in their lives. They don't know how to trust the ministers God has sent to minister to their hurts and wounds, and they often don't know how to trust God Himself.

A spirit of distrust is evident and common. How can we assist each other in the freedom Christ purchased for us if we can't trust each other? We need to learn that what people have done in the past, will not manifest in the present and future, if we get the help we need in order to fix ourselves.

Yes, I said fix ourselves.

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The hurts and wounds that we take in from others often start with us. It is our perception of the way things were said or done, that we take in as rejection, offense or whatever emotion sets us off when another person speaks words toward us that make us act in an unhealthy emotional manner.

We set up walls and self-defenses based on our past experiences and circumstances. We need to discover the hurt's entry point and heal it so we don't allow the same pattern and cycle to repeat itself. We need to break the behavior patterns of thoughts and habits of believing the next person will treat us that way. We need to have confidence and trust in the heavenly Father, that each relationship will improve and get better for the glory of Christ.

We see many brothers in disarray in the story of Joseph. Joseph was starting to dream about the future and share the dreams with his brothers. This caused dissension in the relationships. Many different emotions arose. In keeping peace among your family, it isn't always wise to share everything. Pray when determining what you should share with your family and what you should hold back. We should be receiving much of our discernment from the Father in prayer.

As humans, we have a tendency to talk too much. We need to go to our heavenly Father and talk things out with Him and rely on Him to show us what to share and what not to share. Much family brokenness could be avoided if some words weren't spoken. The enemy's power is limited without involving another human being, and the weapon the enemy chooses to use is our mouths. 

Serious dissension arises in the story of Joseph. Jealousy is what destroys many relationships. Jealously occurs when a sibling is a favorite, more successful or loving. It can occur when a sibling is more cooperative with their parents or acts like a best friend to a parent. These factors can make a person jealous to the point of anger, offense or withdrawal from their family.

Jealousy was the issue with Cain and Abel, as we read in Genesis. The spirit of jealousy got so great that murder was committed. Even though most of us haven't committed murder when we feel like we hate a person, feelings of rage, violence and deep hate, are similar to an emotional murder. It is still sin in God's eyes to hate your brother or sister. We need to make sure we get the inner healing and assistance we need to deal with our emotions in a healthy, balanced way so that it doesn't get to the point of hate, rage and violence. We need to be held accountable for our own feelings and find peace within ourselves, even if the person on the other end won't receive that peace from us.

We need to remember that God has been working in our hearts for repentance and reconciliation and perhaps He has also been working in their lives. You usually don't know if He has been working in their lives since you don't talk to the person anymore. You don't know what they are experiencing, the emotional battle they are going through or how much they love you. I realize this isn't always the case. I do understand. Sometimes people are just as bitter and angry as when the dissension happened. I do know if we don't give them a chance we will never know. Everyone deserves a second chance. I know I am putting myself out there to say that, but the truth of the matter is, they do.

Everyone can be changed by the power and love of God. Give the person another chance. Allow God to use His love and presence in you to overcome the conflict the enemy has thrown your way. I encourage you to wait on God's timing. I know God's timing is perfect, and if you wait until He tells you to act and listen to what He tells you to do, the healing will begin.

It is a known fact that "hurting people hurt people." It is evident in the above Scriptures and Bible stories. These people were hurt and went off to hurt others. If you were to examine your life and the relationships you have had that didn't edify, exhort and build up, you would probably find that those people you were involved with, whether family or friends, had some deep issues in the past that hurt them. Because those people never sought the freedom from their bondage that Christ has to offer; now these people take out their hurts, subconsciously of course, on the people around them. Remember the saying, "We hurt those we love the most."

Think about a time you tried to reach out or minister to a person. Did they reject you, shut you down or totally blow you off? This could be an example of a person who is so bitter and full of hate that they don't know how to love or be loved. These people genuinely love others, but you can't see their hurt or pain until you really get to know them and try to reach out to them. We need to reach out to people with the love of Christ and encourage them to get the inner healing they need. 

When you lean on the Holy Spirit, His leading, His guiding, He will guide you into the steps of reconciliation. If the Lord is calling for reconciliation then we need to ask Him to prepare our hearts for that relationship and we need to learn how to love that person unconditionally again.

Kathy DeGraw is the founder of DeGraw Ministries a prophetic ministry releasing the love and power of God, igniting people in the prophetic and releasing people from emotional bondage. She's passionate about teaching people the power of prayer through declaring. She speaks at conferences and travels hosting evangelistic love tours. She has written her own prophetic and deliverance training manuals in order to assist other ministries. She is the founder of Change into Colorless, an anti-racism corporation and co-pastors a church. Kathy is the author of Spiritual Warfare Declarations, A Worship Woven Life, Time to Set the Captives Free and Flesh, Satan or God. Connect with Kathy at

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