After only a couple years of marriage, my buddy and his wife still found themselves having multiple trust issues. The major difference now, was that his wife was pregnant with their first child.
That was great news, but it certainly didn't make the trust issues any better. As she got more pregnant, her insecurities only grew stronger and stronger.
As the relationship and pregnancy continued, things only got worse. He said that most of the occurrences happened when they were either fighting about something off the topic or when they were out in public and other women were present.
He expressed to me that as they walked around, she would ask him if he thought particular women were pretty or if he found them attractive. He mentioned that in most cases, he didn't even see the woman until she pointed her out to him and then he had to react. As he attempted to say no and confirm his desire only for her, she would push away with disbelief and get disgusted with him.
He felt that he was at a loss and had no way of getting around the lack of trust and insecurities in his marriage. I agreed with him that it would be hard but told him there was still hope and challenged him with the following questions.
If you personally find yourself in a similar situation as the one mentioned above, I will challenge you with these questions as well. I would also ask that you don't lose hope or give up on your marriage. You agreed to some very sacred vows, and now you need to put in some time and hard work to get your marriage on the right track.
1. Are you being honest about the path your eyes travel and your temptations? I believe this to be more of the case early in the marriage, but many men do not realize how distracted they are with the opposite sex. Their own desire for lust and temptation masks their ability to recognize they are blatantly getting caught up in the passing beautiful woman. This question requires a man to take a deep look into his heart and into his past, and see if there is any truth to his eyes traveling in the wrong directions, especially around his wife.
This question also needs to wake men up to the time that maybe they did mess up and get caught by their wife. Since my buddy was only married for three years, I asked him if there was a particular time or moment that his wife did catch him. If so, did he honestly seek forgiveness for that time or did he brush it off, not realizing the negative impact it was going to have on his future relationship with his wife? If there were any past mistakes, it's time to man up to your wife and seek real forgiveness.
Confess that those were moments of failure, and you now realize how hurtful or "not loving" those were to her.
Confirm that you are working on this area in your life with Jesus and that she is the only woman you desire.
2. Are you aware of her past and if she experienced any trust or insecurity issues? If you have reviewed that first paragraph closely and believe that you are either clear of the questions brought up or continue to experience pains even after seeking forgiveness, you may be dealing with her past hurts. This is when it's important to ask some of the following questions. Was her father a faithful man to her mother? Or did he have a wandering heart? Did she have any previous relationship issues that might still make her insecure?
Personally, my wife and I experienced some intense trust issues early in our own marriage. Some of the issues did have to do with me falling victim to my own temptations, but the majority of the issues stemmed from her past relationships.
Even a couple of years into it, she was still battling insecurities from the man who came before me. Even though I loved her, she was still applying the issues she had with him to me. When I found out about this, I was very offended, but not to the point of ending the marriage. We both realized we needed real help.
If you feel that these scenarios are in line with you and your marriage, I would suggest seeking help on a higher level. Resolving past pains and hurts is something very difficult for the other spouse to resolve and handle.
Speak to your wife about this, but I would suggest the both of you seek marriage counseling. The best place to engage in this is at your home church. See what they offer for counseling or even marriage mentoring. You need to find a place where you can share your deeper issues and have someone experienced break them down for the both of you as individuals and for your marriage.
3. Are you praying for your wife or with your wife? Last and most important, I asked my buddy about his prayer life. Are you praying often? Are you honestly seeking out God about these trust issues in your marriage and asking Him for healing and direction? Are you praying with her?
Praying with your wife may be the hardest, but it could bring about the most resolution without seeking help from an outside source. The beautiful thing about praying with your wife is that you can say things to God that are directly impacting her.
"Lord, thank you for my beautiful wife and the blessing that she is my life everyday."
"Lord, thank you for bringing such a wonderful woman into my life. I pray that you would continue to watch over and protect our marriage from any outside sources of temptations or insecurities. Watch over our hearts everyday that we might seek You first above all things and seek each other in love. Thank you for my wife and continue to bless our marriage."
Now, imagine if you were to pray those types of prayers together. Imagine if she was sitting right next to you and you said these words every time! God is ready to do amazing things in your marriage, but He's also waiting for you to ask.
"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" (Matt. 7:7).
Husbands, the vows you spoke meant something strong. They meant you signed up for the good and the bad. If you are experiencing anything like the questions or issues mentioned above, I challenge you to take action in your marriage today.
Review yourself. Seek assistance. Pray.
What are some effective ways you resolved trust or insecurity issues in your own marriage?
Manturity is a blog built on establishing spiritual maturity in today's man. The goal is to assist men in building better marriages and help them grow in maturity and explore different aspects of manhood. Manturity.com features new weekly blog posts, daily social-media updates and a powerful resources page. Stay up to date with the Manturity blog communities on Facebook and Twitter.
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