I like to remind my clients and people I work with that being a lover to your spouse is an intentional process.
When I use the term "lover," I'm not in any manner alluding to sex or sexuality. I mean you were giving of yourself in some or several ways toward another that symbolized or meant "I love you, the way you want to be loved." In this article, I want to outline a very practical tool to help you become a better lover.
I'm in social situations on a regular basis just like you are. I'll meet people I already know or meet someone who I would like to get together with to discuss something further.
The "Let's get together" topic comes up and we both think this would be a great idea. They ask when and I say, "I have to check my office calendar and then we can schedule it." Once it's on my paper calendar I consider it put in "stone." They laugh and expect me to pull out my phone.
I see clients during the day up to a certain time, but that fluctuates depending on the week. I have a real calendar. I'm talking a paper kind that you use a pen or pencil to write in.
So, we'll usually exchange contact information, or they'll call my office and we'll set a time. One of my amazing administration team members will put it on my calendar and the meeting is set, practically in stone.
You might ask, why would I have an old-fashioned calendar? First, I was born in that era so I'm comfortable with one. But I also have to be mindful because my clients' names are confidential, and I've never risked that by keeping an electronic calendar.
Now, you might be asking yourself, why all this talk about a calendar? Because anything of importance, including dentist, workout and hair appointments, are all on my calendar. Putting anything on my calendar, even a block that says "write Lover-Spouse book," means it's more likely that I'll then actually do it.
I've seen great success with clients who put their dates with their spouse and other things on their electronic devices to remind them to get things done. When they are purposeful in putting it in their calendar, they're more likely to do it.
As a lover, some of us just intuitively flow in being a lover. It's like a gift. If this has been a challenge for you, then you'll need to be intentional and structure your loverness to manifest toward your spouse.
Either way is fine. However, if it's up to this point in your marriage your lover gift lacks flowing, I'd suggest you utilize the ideas in this article. Intentionally structuring your lover activities isn't a sign you don't love, it's a sign that you need to organize and structure important things to get them accomplished.
You'll need to be able to use your phone calendar or buy a hard-copy calendar and make it your "lover calendar." If your electronic calendar has a reminder alarm feature, definitely use it to help you along the way.
There are definite daily things you might want to do as a lover, so put this on a daily schedule and try to set a specific time so both of you get into a habit of these behaviors. Remember, structure precedes life in God's order.
Suggestions for daily calendar items:
—Do the 3 Dailies (Share two feelings from the day with your spouse. Give your spouse two praises. Pray together.)
—Pray to be a great lover to your spouse.
—Keep your word to your spouse.
—Write down what you agreed you'd do.
—Check in during the day.
Now put whatever daily behaviors you want to do in your calendar. Putting reminders in your calendar to do these things will help you become a better lover to your spouse and everyone you interact with throughout your day.
Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books, including his newest title Lover Spouse. You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, drdougweiss.com, on hisFacebook, by phone at 719-278-3708 or through email at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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