By Love Transformed, by R.T. Kendall

Want to receive By Love Transformed by email? Sign up here

5 Secrets That Can Ruin a Marriage

"Houston, we've had a problem here." ~Jack Swigert, astronaut on Apollo 13

The explosion seemingly came out of nowhere. The Apollo 13 spacecraft was in its second day of travel, cruising easily to the moon. Ironically, the date was April 13, when the trip instantaneously went from smooth sailing to a desperate fight to save the crew. The moon landing had to be abandoned as it now became a rescue mission.

The problem began years earlier when an oxygen tank was removed from Apollo 10 and dropped. Although the tank looked fine on the outside, it had become damaged on the inside. The tank was never put back into Apollo 10, but would later be installed into Apollo 13. The initial damage led to subsequent damage, including to some of the internal wiring which had become faulty. Those faulty wires sealed the fate of the voyage. During a routine flight procedure, the wires sparked, igniting the pure oxygen in the tank, causing the explosion. Fortunately, the brilliance of the ground crew and the astronauts themselves allowed for their safe return.

Problems below the surface eventually show themselves. Many times in ugly or explosive ways. Keeping secrets from a spouse is one of those problems. If love, trust and intimacy are the oxygen that fuels your marriage, having secrets is like putting faulty wires in the tank. The results can be catastrophic. On the surface, it may seem like your marriage is smooth sailing, but one minute later, it's in a fight for its life when those secrets blow up. Here are five secrets spouses keep that hurt their marriage.

1. Unhappiness in the marriage. Many people wander into a place where they are discontent with their marriage. The reasons for keeping it a secret could be fear of hurting feelings, thinking the problems will eventually sort themselves out, or maybe they just don't want to admit that they have become unhappy. Sometimes it's no one's fault in particular. Sometimes bad habits have developed by both that just need work. In the end, though, the problem(s) is (are) not going to go away by themselves. They have to be brought into the open and dealt with. Otherwise, you and your spouse will continue to separate.

2. Fulfilling intimacy desires from someone or something other than your spouse. It's easy to see how an affair is hurtful to a marriage. But it's the subtle things that are easily missed or justified long before an affair starts that lay the groundwork for disconnection. Sex is designed to build intimacy between a husband and wife. Sexual satisfaction and fulfillment are reserved for a spouse. When sex is lacking, it needs to be addressed, talked about and resolved. Counseling should be sought. When a spouse secretly seeks to satisfy him/herself sexually through masturbation, pornography or an affair, it destroys intimacy. The soul bonds with those other things rather than the spouse.

With every sexual engagement apart from the spouse, the desire for that spouse gets duller until the fire finally goes out.

3. Financial decisions. No matter who is the primary breadwinner, in marriage, the money belongs to both of you, unless you have come to some sort of divided monetary agreement. Disagreements need to be talked about and worked out, not hidden. When one party makes financial decisions in secret that violate the couple's agreement, it is a form of financial infidelity. One of the most important ingredients for a thriving marriage is trust. Keeping spending secrets is a major violation of trust and a fast track to disaster.

4. Disagreement. Quietly disagreeing with a decision a spouse makes undermines the relationship in two ways. First, it's a silent lie. Dishonesty equals disunity. Second, feelings of disagreement have to settle somewhere, and when they are unresolved, they usually turn into resentment. Third, a married couple should always think of themselves as having one brain.

Working through disagreement causes us to make more informed decisions, even when it is frustrating. Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsberg couldn't have been more opposite as recently deceased Justice Antonin Scalia. However, in a moving tribute to Scalia, she said that when they disagreed her final opinion was always better because he was able to clearly state all of the weak points in his dissent. Silent dissent makes the relationship and the spouse weaker.

5. Past relationships. Our past relationships significantly impact our current ones. We bring all of the wounds, baggage and dysfunction they have caused into the marriage. Hiding it only leaves a spouse confused and separated. It is like a wall between one another. Do you have to share with one another all of the things you did physically in previous relationships? No. But it is important for them to know the level of intimacy and how you were affected by it. It's good for them to know what went right and what went wrong. It helps them to know you better and how your past relational experience has formed you.

What other secrets do spouses commonly keep that hurt the marriage? {eoa}

BJ Foster is the content manager for All Pro Dad and a married father of two. For the original article, visit allprodad.com.

Your Turn

Comment Guidelines
View/Add Comments
  • Donald Trump certainly needs your prayers.

    Why You Must Pray for Donald Trump

    Here are eight ways I plan to intercede for President Trump regularly.

  • Here's a prophetic word for Washington, D.C.

    Prophecy: The Lord Is Raising Up Daniels in DC

    I believe we're on the precipice of a Third Great Awakening the Lord spoke to my heart about in ...

  • Inner Healing Is the Fruit of the Spirit

    Inner Healing Is the Fruit of the Spirit

    I have been puzzled about the subject of inner healing for some time.

  • 2017 is the year that swords will clash.

    Prophetic Word: 2017 Will Bring a Clashing of Heaven and Hell

    "This is a time to cross over and not pull back."

  • Roadblock

    6 Roadblocks That Will Stop Your Spiritual Growth

    God wants you to grow in your faith, but many of us get stuck along the way.

  • Cindy Jacobs

    2017: Year of the Breakthrough

    "There will be a significant increase in miracles and signs and wonders."

  • The devil will try to silence you in any way he can. Don't give him the satisfaction.

    Satan's 2 Most Potent Lies to Render You Ineffective

    There's something in you so powerful that Satan doesn't want it out. Kyle Winkler reveals ...

  • Foot washing

    Shaking the Gates of Hell With a Basin of Water and a Towel

    "When I saw His foot, I knew He had come to take back territory the enemy had stolen from His ...

  • Are you willing to volunteer for God's offensive army?

    Prophetic Word: Preparing for God's World War 3

    God is searching for soldiers of the cross who are willing to volunteer for His offensive army.

  • Continue Your Journey with the Holy Spirit

    Continue Your Journey with the Holy Spirit

    Follow God on the most fulfilling journey of your life with Encounter the Holy Spirit! Break away from past hurts and press into the One who wants a personal encounter with you.

  • Dream the Unimaginable In His Presence

    Dream the Unimaginable In His Presence

    Reach your full potential and be led by His Spirit. In His Presence takes you to a deeper understanding of who God is and how he communicates with us.

  • Set Your Spirit on Fire

    Set Your Spirit on Fire

    Receive the power and gifts that come through the Holy Spirit Baptism. Don’t go empty-handed; accept all that He has for you! His power is available to those who ask.

  • Put on the Full Armor of God

    Put on the Full Armor of God

    Break every stronghold with the power of the Holy Spirit. Use the power of your tongue to declare and decree the Word of God. Witness heaven move on your behalf.

Use Desktop Layout
Charisma Magazine — Empowering believers for life in the Spirit