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Parenting Pains

 It might sound like a cliché, but parenting e toughest jobs on Earth. After about 20 years of on-the-job training, we begin to figure out what it is all about. By then it's time to let go and pretend we don't care any more.

Added to these difficulties are our own personal problems, which can include marital conflict or divorce, physical illnesses, financial pressures and the other cares of living. Our unmet needs, such as those experienced by single parents, can also lead us into behavior that will later seem terribly foolish.


 

Do I sound as though I'm whining here? I hope not. I'm simply attempting to articulate the challenges that can accompany parenthood and the particular discomfort that occurs for parents of strong-willed children when they begin to feel they have botched the assignment. (The parents of compliant children may not fully understand this emotional reaction, although there is usually enough related stress to affect everybody.)

Despite the discouraging moments, it is my firm conviction that bearing and raising children is worth everything it costs us. Along with the difficulties come the greatest joys and rewards life has to offer.

How could that be true? How can the very thing that brings us anxiety and stress be the source of such happiness and fulfillment? There is an obvious contradiction here that bears consideration.

Christian writer and apologist C.S. Lewis tried to express the indescribable pain that he experienced when he lost his wife to cancer. He would not have been so devastated by her passing, he said, if he had not allowed himself to love her with all his heart.

In the movie Shadowlands, based on this period of Lewis' life, he wondered if it would have been better never to have loved at all, and thereby to have avoided the risk of losing the woman he adored. It would certainly have been “safer” to live in a fortress, protecting himself from disappointment and grief by remaining emotionally detached and uncaring.

Lewis considered these responses to sorrow and decided that in the end, love is worth the risk. This is the way he penned his conclusion:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries ... lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.

“But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable ... The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!” Then Lewis added this concluding thought: “Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone.”

Doesn't this insight speak eloquently of the pain associated with parenthood? It certainly does to me. This is what bearing and raising children comes down to. Loving those we have borne is risky business, but it is a venture that brings great joy and happiness. Even though there are often trials and tears associated with the challenge, it is a noble journey.

We as parents are given the privilege of taking the raw materials that comprise a brand-new human being and then molding him or her day by day into a mature, disciplined, productive and God-fearing adult who will live with us in eternity. Doing that job right, despite its setbacks and disappointments, is surely one of the greatest achievements of our lives.

In his Bringing Up Boys Parenting Videos, Dr. Dobson shares principles for raising boys from his decades of expertise. This self-directed program includes four DVDs and an accompanying workbook that will equip parents and youth leaders to steer the boys they care about toward confident, responsible manhood.

To request your copy visit family.org/resources.


Dr. James Dobson is founder and chairman of the board of the nonprofit organization Focus on the Family (Colorado Springs, CO 80995; or www.family.org). Material is excerpted from The Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide and Bringing Up Boys, both published by Tyndale House. read more

Are Your Children Pushing Your Buttons?

It's a wonderful fact that children will occasionally disobey their parents for the express purpose of testing just how much they can get away with. This is a game I call "Challenge the Chief," and it can be played with surprising skill—even by very young kids. read more

A Word to Parents

Parents, you probably have the most challenging of jobs—building and developing godly character in the lives of your children, training each child in the way he or she is to go. Your children are tomorrow’s leaders: presidents, ministers, educators, inventors and developers of new technology. read more

Quality Time


As a new school year descends upon us, with all the obligatory “back-to-school” sales and hype, we have to ask ourselves, “What are my kids going to learn this year besides reading, writing and arithmetic?”

Many of us have seen our kids pick up things at school we don’t particularly care for. Maybe it’s an attitude of disrespect toward you or foul language from the lyrics of a new CD or behavior they learned from pornographic pop-ups that appear on the computer monitor while doing homework. Get ready, because these things will happen.

As parents we have to create a godly culture in our homes that our kids are drawn to—one that goes “back to school” with them—rather than allowing them to bring unwanted attitudes and behaviors back home.

It’s a tough fact to accept, but kids today are falling into a trap of deception. It offers all the shine but shows none of the dirt that comes from being deceived. Deception doesn’t happen quickly, and this culture has a lot of time to repeat its message over and over again. As a result, our kids transfer ownership of their hearts from us to something else.

One pop culture mogul said, “We don’t advertise to this generation; we own this generation.” In many ways that’s true. What they say goes. What they put on network TV sells.

We can tell our kids, “As long as you’re a part of my house, you’re not going to watch this or wear that.” But such a response does very little to turn their hearts toward home.

Somewhere in the process of growing up, our kids get turned off to anything we have to say. They don’t want to talk about things or listen to us. And when they do listen, they do it grudgingly. It seems they don’t want our influence, and no longer embrace godly values.

Though it may come as a surprise to some of us, our kids have gradually transferred ownership of their hearts from us, their parents, to their friends or the culture. Kids care more about pleasing their peers than pleasing Mom and Dad. This type of thinking begins gradually, but every little step is a sign that their hearts are being lured away.

It seems hopeless, but there is something we can do! We, as parents, need to intervene. We’ve got to turn their hearts back toward us. This will not happen by commanding our kids to do this or do that, but by wooing them.

Parents, it is our job to continue to woo our kids so they will want to listen to us—not to the media, their peers or ungodly influences. If we allow the culture or their friends to overpower them, we will have an incredibly difficult time re-establishing the respect they once had for God and us.

The saying “Quality time is better than quantity” is not true. Parenting means sacrifice and time.

We need to do things with our kids and win them over by building bonds and making memories together through shared experiences. This will begin to draw their hearts toward home.

After you have spent quantity time with your kids, they will start to see that you care and want to listen to them. Your kids will eventually open up and share their thoughts and feelings with you.

Depending on how hardened your kids are and how controlled and manipulated they are by the culture and their friends, it might take a significant amount of time in the beginning to woo them. But it’s not impossible. Start a pattern of spending “quantity” time with your kids while they’re young and impressionable.

It’s time to recreate a culture in the home that demonstrates to our kids unconditional love and promotes open communication. It is our job as parents to woo the hearts of our children and influence their minds. Be encouraged. You can do it!


Ron Luce along with his wife, Katie, founded Teen Mania Ministries in 1986 with a mission to “provoke a young generation to passionately pursue Jesus Christ and to take His life-giving message to the ends of the earth.” read more
United-States-Constitution

We Need Strong Families

Our society, which includes the body of Christ, reflects a generation that has wandered from God's original constitution. What is a constitution? More than a document, it's a system that dictates the character, boundaries, temperament and structure of how something is governed.

I believe that every family should have a constitution. Just think about it: You would never enroll your child in a school that lacked an infrastructure. And you wouldn't put your investments and earnings in a banking system void of policies and procedures mandated by the Federal Reserve System.

Even the animal kingdom operates by a constitution—one of instinct. The governing law of nature that God deposited into animals works like a divine compass. You will never see an eagle protesting to the Creator that he wants to be a fish. read more

parents-adoption

Should You Be a Foster Parent?

Don't let fear stop you; here are some myths that stop parents from taking in foster kids.

Even Christians who want to help children have reservations about foster care. In fact, Christian professionals say you should receive prayer, counsel and training first if you believe God is stirring you to consider becoming a foster parent. Common concerns about foster parenting that might be familiar to you include: read more

Standing for God

Because of the highly publicized scandals of some of our nation's most prominent Christians, it is important for us as parents and leaders to talk to our kids about standing for God in the midst of moral failure in the church. read more

Kids and Busy Parents

Joey's school grades are dropping. What's going on? And why are so many kids having behavioral problems? Parents want to know. Is life tougher for our kids than it was for us?

The search for answers may lead us to uncomfortable spots—our homes and our workplaces. Since 1969, research tells us, parents' time with children has diminished an alarming 22 hours per week. And according to Harvard researcher S. Jody Heyman, parental involvement matters. When parents are unable to deal with school difficulties, educational achievement falls, and behavioral problems increase.

The increasing demands of work are taking a toll on American families. Compared with a decade ago, people work 10 hours more per week. How to balance work and family is a hot discussion topic.

When work intrudes on family time, children suffer. "Quality time" is a misnomer. Children need quantity when it comes to parent involvement. The amount of time invested is directly related to the degree of psychological adjustment.

We invited a panel of teens into our adult Sunday school class to discuss the topic "How the media influence our families." Tom (not his real name) was the darling of every mom in the group. His love and respect for his father brought tears to our eyes.

"My dad is always there. He listens, guides and helps me make decisions about what to watch and listen to. It's not so much that he's telling me what to do but that he knows what's happening in my life. I know he cares. And when I screw up, he always prays with me."

Tom makes it sound simple. But the opposite of his experience—the lack of parental supervision—is directly linked to our kids' involvement in drugs, alcohol, delinquency and sex. And it's not coincidental that more children get into major trouble at home between the hours of 3 p.m. and 6 p.m—the time of day most likely to be unsupervised by working parents.

Parents from all socioeconomic strata are distressed. Unfortunately, the response by some parents is to lose interest in their kids. A study by a Temple University psychologist found that almost a third of high school students' parents simply disengage from their kids.

The solution far too often in the white suburban church is to chide working mothers. But studies show that children do better academically when mothers have good jobs but also have the flexibility to take time off to meet their needs. And for the working poor and single parents, having a job is not a matter of choice but of survival.

So what can be done to ease the tension between work and family time commitments? Make whatever changes you can to spend time with your children and be involved in their lives. Here are some suggestions:

  • Turn off media and minimize adult distractions.
  • Be less selfish about your own pursuits. Focus instead on improving your relationship with your child.
  • Find employment that will allow for flexible time schedules, jobs close to home, telecommuting, home business or schedules that accommodate the needs of your children. This may mean a pay cut or lack of promotion, but the trade-offs are worth it.
  • Change shifts.
  • Schedule parent-teacher conferences in the evenings, during your lunch hour or on breaks.
  • Network with your children's friends' parents. Don't allow children to be unsupervised after school hours. Arrange a rotating supervision schedule or a time at a local YMCA or community program.
  • Become emotionally involved with your children. Don't allow work to drain you to the point of exhaustion.
  • Stay spiritually strong as a family. This requires praying together, reading the Word and intimately walking with your Father.

Though you may feel overwhelmed by work and family demands, simple changes such as turning off the TV every night can produce powerful effects. Ask God to speak to you if changes are needed, particularly in the area of work. Then trust Him to help you find ways to make those changes. read more

Unplug the 'Baby Sitter'

Don't give in to the video baby sitter. Phil Cooke explains why giving your kids over to a TV set is a truly horrifying choice. read more

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